20 mar 03
I look at my nails. They are painted my favourite red and etched with an intricate design in white with silver accents. Ira, my host sister, painstakingly painted them, using a sewing needle and small brush for the design.

I look at my pretty nails and feel guilty for not enjoying Ira’s company today, for wanting to go into my room, really her room, and close the door. I feel guilty for having this stupid computer, I feel guilty for using their medicine, I feel guilty for having nice things, so I am constantly bringing things out to share. I don’t only do this to assuage my guilt, but partly. I feel guilty for my existence and my utter luck of being born American, white, into a family that loves me, etc. Ira is white, born into a family that loves her, getting and education, survived illness from Chernobyl.

I also feel awful because Helena and Ira are both a little sick from my cold. Helena is coughing and looks poorly. Of course, this could mean that some of the food onslaught would stop, although

I look at the intricate design of these nails and feel unworthy of such attention and care. I also am wishing that I’d only eaten ½ of the pelminiky (pork dumplings) w/ butter that was tonight’s dinner.

I so wanted to veg out and watch TV, try to glean the English underneath the Russian dubbed made for TV movie. I wanted to read Russian Cosmo w/o Ira pointing out every page, parroting her good English and careful Russian for me.

I’m not always up for being on, for dealing w/ the language, the constant hanging out, the lack of personal time. Communicating that while I thoroughly enjoy the cooking, I absolutely cannot eat another pelminiky. Please could I have yogurt and fruit instead of chicken soup for breakfast.

I’m reaching the stage where some novelty has worn off and this is where dedication, time off, persistent learning and staying out of ill-thought-out routines will help me get on. I need to allow myself to close the door when I need to and also challenge myself to socialize spontaneously.

I also need to get super regimented about my health. Being sick this past week has really emphasized this.